Paul

Housewife's Choice Paul loves nothing better that brushing up on his diplomatic corp training by pointing out that the signalling equipment used by most referees would be louder and easier to blow if it were positioned cleanly, yet firmly between their rectal walls.

Mickey

Always the last out of the dressing room, this is not due to some Paul Ince-like superstition but mainly down to the fact that he is still looking for the changing room mirror

Neil
Sponsored this year by Pilsbury, the Pilsbury player of the year swears by Pilsbury products and puts his fitness and stamina down to Pilsbury foodstuffs and the energy that Pilsbury brings. We call it shite and maintain the the dwarf is on a back-hander from the dough people to see how many times he can mention them in his write-up.

During the closed season was tempted to play for another team where he was promised a team car, full range of sporting goods for himself and his family, image rights, private medical insurance and a personal fortune then realised that it was West Ham so he stayed with us.

Always complains that the team shirts are too tight........

Rob
I wouldn't say team manager Rob was tight but the only way we could get him to put his hand in his pocket and buy a round on tour was when we told him to hold the whip.

Renowned for his wise cracks and jovial dressing room banter, Robert Saddam Wood was born in 1903 to a small family of herrings in West Wales and latterly can be seen preaching the Gospel according to Fred Needle at most City pubs where he will start off by offering you a drink and then insure you against drinking it (you will probably be asleep after the first few sips anyway).

He will report that he models his hair on Barry Manilow although we tend to think of him as the midfield brillo pad.

Cheers for all you hard efforts Rob!

Chris 'Buzz'
Many great sporting achievements are imprinted on an Englishman's mind, Red Rum's 3 National wins, the '66 World Cup, The 'White Horse' final at Wembley and of course Basildon Irish.

Leading 5-1 at the time, manager Rob Wood brought off Buzz with only 10 minutes to go and saw the side collapse, narrowly hanging on to a win by the odd goal.

This was Buzz's last appearance as a starting player although we tried to persuade Woody differently. We would all love to see Buzz back in the side regularly but Rob Wood has not deemed it fit although the rest of the squad ring him to suggest it at least twice a week. But Rob can't be persuaded. That's Rob Wood of Nelson Rd., Westcliff-on-Sea. Telephone 01702 etc.

Ian
Ian was spotted chasing pigeons in Priory Park by supremo Rob Wood. Seeing the need in the squad for such an athlete, Rob immediately ensured his signature. Rob is now in talks with the Eastwoodbury Committee to rid the ground of the birds and he has appointed Ian's psychoanalyst brother Buzz to help him identify the ball and leave the pigeons or whatever it is he is chasing alone during Sunday's 90 minutes.

Often upset at squad selection, Ian exacts retribution at Wednesday night training to ensure a full 90 minutes on Sunday.

Charlie
Hailing from north of the border, this hardy perennial winger added the shine to last seasons high finish. Charlie swears by Pledge although he was sponsored by Mr. Sheen for 37 seasons and only fell out with them after his wife left a hot cup of tea on his head and found that their product couldn't remove the 'ring stain'! Charlie swears by a regular French polish and has the addresses of several French girls who have put a smile on his face! Once again, something about 'ring stain' was mentioned.

Charlie has often criticised other players who expect him to 'chase on to a pass' and berates them for thinking he was 5 years younger. Apparently he could run when he was 56.

John
John Mellor made the Guinness Book of Records last year when he broke the record for the most comebacks from retirement having beaten Joe Bugner whom he had shared the record with. Norris McWhirter said he feels that 35 is an unbeatable target!

John made his debut in the legendary 1913/14 season when Zeus were only denied the title by the outbreak of war. He served in the Medical Corp with help from his sister Dolly and her particularly nice upside-down cake, but never actually helped anyone during his service, a trait he proudly upholds today by not helping anyone on his side unless cash is paid 'up front'

John
Pocket-sized defender with great tenacity and little ability. John has been player of the year for three of the last four seasons only losing out once to brother in law Steve Heffernan. It is worth noting that his father in law counted the vote.

John used to be a lot taller but a keen interest in pornography saw him wither. In every game you can still hear him make filthy suggestions such as, "look at that fat ****." "great pair of t**s up front." Some say this refers only to Taylor, Butler and Goodge respectively.

John regularly brings his son to the games, not so he can learn the finer points of football, but simply to ensure he is not the smallest person there. John hopes to join Neil Smith as the only person in the side to wear square shaped trousers.

Simon
The team recluse, Simon regularly goes missing for weeks on end and quite often during crucial games. Brother of manager Rob Wood, Simon is fiercely defensive of his brother's management style and recently told him he would stand in the firing line to protect him. If Simon could stand in the firing line every now and again to protect our goal then Zeus would certainly reach their full potential.

A keen fruit machine player, Simon claims to have found a new way to guarantee the jackpot payout. If he could call Braddicks in Bideford as soon as possible as they would like their machines back.

David
Dave Jacobs became the first, 'first season' winner of Player Of The Year in Zeus's 103 year history. In response to a local newspaper ad placed by Zeus trying to bring the clubs image into the 21st century, Dave misread the ad that asked for a 'hip and trendy centre back', for a 'hip replacement centre back' and being the only applicant, got the job.

Dave, who has a credit limit unsurpassed on his mobile phone, has arranged for visiting dignitaries to council the importance of celibacy with wives to fellow team members the night before a game. This naivety of dedication to the club is admirable but misdirected as the night before a game most Zeus players are relishing in the fact that they are temporarily 'not married' unless all else fails!

Dave was also only the second player in club history (along with Mellor who has never hit the onion bag) to fail to score in his debut year making him joint second top scorer for the 02/03 season.

Dean

Dean joined Zeus midway through the 06/07 season.  In doing so, he became only the second ever player in Zeus's long and illustrious history to return to the side after a spell away with another club.  The other player being of course John Mellor who left to fight for the French during WW1.

Dean's trademark is his ability to deliver a ball although this is much like his performance of delivering emails at work - late and to the wrong address.

Dean is passionate about his boots and lovingly cleans them each week to 'make them last'.  These boots are now 36 years old.  Fans of comic book soccer heroes will be well aware of 'Billy's Boots' in which a young boys footballing skills are enhanced by the use of an ancient pair of boots once used by legendary player Frank Thompson.  Not many people will be aware that this is in fact based on Dean Salmon and his boots.  Writers license has clearly been exercised though as he actually got his boots from Mick Goodge in 1982, which is in fact the reason he is rubbish.

CLINT

Clint joined Zeus midway through the 06/07 season.  In doing so, he became only the second ever player in Zeus's long and illustrious history to return to the side after a spell away with another club.  The other player being of course John Mellor who left to fight for the French during WW1.

Clint's trademark is his ability to deliver a ball although this is much like his performance of delivering letters at work - late and to the wrong address.

Clint is passionate about his boots and lovingly cleans them each week to 'make them last'.  These boots are now 36 years old.  Fans of comic book soccer heroes will be well aware of 'Billy's Boots' in which a young boys footballing skills are enhanced by the use of an ancient pair of boots once used by legendary player Frank Thompson.  Not many people will be aware that this is in fact based on Clint Salmon and his boots.  Writers license has clearly been exercised though as he actually got his boots from Mick Goodge in 1982, which is in fact the reason he is rubbish

Gary

Gary Webb joined Zeus last season after completing his triumphant three year run as 'Best Boy' in the West End production of Les Miserables.  After reading press reports on Zeus in the newspapers, Gary was drawn to the word 'miserable' and contacted manager and impresario Rob Wood.  Gary nominated himself as left back and was soon designated as the player who would get the ball back from the surrounding houses when Goodgie was playing.  Gary's hidden talents are many and he lists cocktail making, toupee refurbishment and mirror ball repairs among them.  Football does not appear in his list.

Andy
Andy has proved to be an inspiration in defence for Zeus.  Difficult to get round and solid in the air are pre-requisites of any centre half but Andy secured his place because he had good shin pads.

Andy holds the 'keepie up' record at Zeus with an impressive 14 (3 without a bounce).  In Zeus's most recent win, a 1-0 drubbing of the Wellstead Gardns bar staff, the statistics revealed that Andy was responsible for an assist and no less than 56 sprayed passes around the park.  53 of these resulted in throw-ins to the opposition, 2 corners for them and a new windscreen for the owner of a Renault Clio in the Shell garage in Fairfax Drive.

Tom

Tom has been a revelation since signing for Zeus and his reluctance to play has been exemplary.  At 73, he has plenty of experience to fall back on and his knowledge of shirking has come in handy on many occasions, most memorably in last season’s defeat in the league cup final.  Tom is a utility player who can fill any position on the field apparently but as he rarely plays, no one is sure if this is true.  Tom has commentated on some of Zeus’ finest games and he is probably best known for the phrase he used in 1982 when he said, “bloody hell, have we scored?” Tom is currently working for Channel 5 as an advisor for Big Brother.

Barry

Barry enjoys the role as the side’s youngest player and has waited patiently for the title, ‘prolific’.  A well deserved reputation for pace was the determining factor when Zeus were alerted to his availability.  This pace is constant and one pint every eleven minutes never alters.  Barry likes nothing better than chasing lost causes and he fills his role to perfection as Zeus have yet to perfect the football phrase, ‘to feet’.  Barry doesn’t drive.  This is a deliberate move to enable him to drink heavily, regularly, and without fear of caution.  Barry dresses mannequins for Miss Selfridge in Basildon.

Mark

Most people might not recognize the face but they certainly all know his voice as the announcer at Prittlewell station.   Mark was one of the founder members of the Jackson 6 but he was dropped as he ‘didn’t fit in’.  Their loss was Zeus’ gain and he has gone on to build a fearsome reputation as a battling midfielder and dreadful finisher.  Mark is sponsored by the boot manufacturer who made the Goodge Punisher range and he is also the face of Greggs the Baker.  As the player who has enjoyed the highest level of celebrity status, he has his own changing room each week.

Terry

When not performing in Vegas, Terry plays in goal for Zeus.  A reputation for being quick off his line was the reason he changed his name by deed poll to Quick.  Originally called Terry Potato, fans of the beautiful game will fondly remember his triple penalty save for Paglesham under 5’s in the Pagelsham school’s lunchtime kick about on 21st January 1932.  Terry is generous to a fault and he will think nothing of dropping the ball at the opposing striker’s feet.  An aerial fitter by day and international cabaret magician by night, Terry has wowed fans and customers.  However, he is currently at night school doing a biology o level in the hope of pursuing a career in medicine.

Chris

Chris is the only Zeus player to have won The Apprentice on the BBC.  He won every task when appointed ‘project manager’ being particularly impressive in developing a range of smoothies for the financial markets. Talking of smoothies, who can forget Mick Ingram!  In footballing terms, Chris is hopeless at managing and came to Zeus in the January transfer window with no recommendations from anyone.  Chris claims that he limps to make the opposition think he may be an easy opponent.  Chris is an easy opponent.