Another year and another tour.

This one however stands out as history was made, with John Mellor becoming the first member of the Variety Club of Great Britain to join us.  Once an eminent consultant physician but now a little simple, John was a joy to behold as he giggled his way around the golf course on Friday and his obvious excitement at being given a flag to wave on Saturday will linger in our memories for years to come.  Bless him.

The usual advance party arrived in Yarm on the Thursday night heavily disguised as Middlesbrough fans and blended in seamlessly to the debauchery following the northern teams advance into the UEFA cup final. 

The remainder of the tour party followed up on the Friday morning and headed straight for Whitby where the annual golf challenge had been arranged.  A couple of liveners were consumed, unrealistic handicaps distributed and away we went.  Only 9 golfers competed and set of in groupings of 3.  Taylor, Butler and Pete the Plumber led off followed by Ingram, Mellor and Warne with Stapes, Wood and Wood at the rear.  The golf was good with some fine individual performances but the outcome was inevitable and it was no surprise when it was announced once again that Knocker had won.  Well done on the longest drive too Knocker!  Certain members of the party opted out of golf and went to visit Robin Hood Bay.  Jacobs, the loner, preferred to see the Abbey but was disappointed when he was told that he had reached his overdraft limit and was being charged £25 for the privilege.

And then it was all back to Yarm to meet Buzz who had decided to avoid the speed cameras on the A1 by coming up the M1 at walking pace and over some 19 hours.  The B&B’s were comfortable and serviceable.  Indeed, the Field View residents were all in agreement that the waitress at Field View was serviceable too.  Not so in the centre of town where the remainder of the party stayed.  Smith’s absence being noticeable here!!!!

A Thai restaurant beckoned in the evening and a wonderful spread appeared in front of us.  Buzz couldn’t believe there were no places like it in Southend and that it was the best food he had ever tasted.  We did point out that there were such places but they had asked us not to tell him! 

After dinner, the party, as per usual, split.  Some opting for a local pub and a lock in and others for a local night club and a fight.  Sadly, this year there was no fighting although Warne and Taylor did their utmost to confuse the dance floor revellers.  Butler and Jacobs were also in attendance but were restricted for movement by horrific injuries sustained at the dining table.  The lock in guys entertained themselves with the daughter of David Nish whom Buzz declared as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.  She was fooled into believing that Normski was a family member of George Best and only became aware of her mistake when Buzz’s claim that he was a relative of Pele was uncovered.  Didn't stop the South East Silverback grabbing a couple of smackers off of her though. Click here for naked Norm on the prowl..... Meanwhile over the road in the club, which Buzz (Mr. Ben) was now also in, things were getting out of hand when Adrian refused to drink his wine and disappeared.  2.30 and the after club banter on the pavement was in full swing but the money was never going to be enough???!!!  And so home to bed and after a coffee and look at the local paper, we slept.

Saturday morning and after a cooked breakfast we left to take on the might of Billingham Wynyard Old Boys FC.  We were surprised to find that it was going to be beach football but we were up for it.  Injuries forced changes and players found themselves in unfamiliar positions.  Simon Wood in attack, Adrian Warne on the wing, Normski and Stapes in the wrong team and Taylor on his feet to mention just a few.  The opening minutes were all Billingham but a string of world class saves by ‘striker’ Butler denied the young forwards.  And then, out of nowhere, and from a ball from Taylor that no one can remember, Wood S. scored from fully 356 yards.  Only ten minutes later and a cleverly measured deflection from Docherty saw the Zeus boys 2 up.  After the break, the Billingham boys rallied and another save by hero Butler denied them.  A corner followed which ended in a blood injury to Jacobs in the back four.  A call went out from 20 players to stop the game but the Wood brothers, known for being cynical, trotted the full length of the field and Wood Snr, put the ball away for 3-0.  Tosser!  The referee allowed the goal much to our shame.  Not only was it unsportsmanlike but the final ball from Wood Jr found Wood Snr in an offside position.  Wood Seniors trot towards goal was followed by a sprint back up the pitch to tell us all to ***k off.  The game then deteriorated with Ingram kicking little kids about and Zeus bringing on OAP’s in white trainers.  Oh the shame.  Our hosts did pull one back following the best move of the game with flowing football and pin point passing.  The header was bullet like and left the otherwise outstanding keeper with no chance. But who cares anyway.  Back to the pub and a spread which was superb was made for us.  They had thought of everything.  Sausages, sandwiches, chips and even a rusk for Mellor.  Warne organised a game of killer that never ended and then we went on our way back to Yarm. 

The evening was much as the previous night with two separate parties doing separate things.  One group found themselves in a local pub and the rest found themselves in a huge night club out of town and out of place.  This club is the only one in the UK with mortgage application forms on the bar!  This didn’t deter our culture representative who happily danced the night away on his own, in a big space, with no one it but himself.  Stapes, Butler and Saunders looked on.  Following the club, the tactic of,  ‘push everyone out of the way because I want this taxi’  was applied well by Taylor and we went home.

Sunday morning arrived and a decision was made to take a stroll through Whitby.  On arrival there some 5 hours later, it was decided it was too busy and thus, we would head home via a pub on the North Yorkshire Moors.  Charlie knew the way so we were advised to follow the balding, directionless, Scottish buffoon.  It’s surprising how narrow some lanes can be but we drove on regardless.  A further 6 hours and we arrived at a pub that was happy to serve us food.  The intended pub had heard we were on our way and had shut for the weekend.  A few final beers and photos and the cars left for home.

Another first was achieved on the way back with Taylor being the first ever to throw up in a car on the way home.  We did tell him though that if he kept running around so much on Saturday he would make himself sick!